Peter Bishop's Guide to Falling Out Of Love
by Shipper Friendly
Summary: Hi, I'm Peter Bishop. I believe love is irrelevant to life. So here's how to get rid of it. -Warning: OOC-
1. Rule Number One

Hi, I'm Peter Bishop.

This is my guide on how to drive away girls. Especially girls you like. Because love is irrelevant to life, or so I'd like to believe. After my trials with this so called love, I don't really believe in it any more. So in order to avoid any more confrontations with this feeling, I've started a guide for myself (and you) to drive away anyone who makes me feel those…feelings.

I'll share these tips with you, just in case you feel the way I do.

* * *

**Rule Number One: Avoid Eye Contact**

**

* * *

**

This is very important. You wouldn't want to look at the person you like. Ever. Because then you'll get lost in their eyes and, well…that just leads to a whole new problem. Rule 1 is very hard for me to live off of…very hard. I try to pretend to do other work while Olivia talks to me.

Avoiding eye contact is the simple way out of any awkward situation. That and running away…

* * *

"Hey Peter, Walter just got results from the hamster's autopsy…he said that it appeared to have been eaten by another hamster." Olivia said that voice she gets when she's puzzled. I suddenly realized that I had absolutely no papers in front of me. What had I been doing in the lab without papers?

"Well, did you interrogate the owner?" I looked at the table in front of me, my hands holding on to the edge for dear life, even though I was sitting down.

"Of course. She said her hamsters never acted up like this before…what?" Olivia looked up from the file in her hand to see me staring at her. This is what happens when you aren't prepared.

"I…just realized something." I ran to go find Walter. Now, this is an example of good luck. I actually _had _realized something. Hamsters eating hamsters…it could be a distraction from a much bigger problem. Manipulated hamsters….this means humans could be manipulated in to eating other humans and…we could potentially destroy our own race.

* * *

Needless to say, we solved the case. But we always do, so that's hardly the point. Anyways, Walter wanted to cook us all up some custard as a celebratory desert. So he invited Astrid and Olivia over for some "custard-y fun".

"I love custard." He smiled as Olivia walked in the door. I made sure to look at the floor as to stop myself from looking into her eyes. No eye contact…no eye contact….

I looked up and into Olivia's eyes. They were so….lovely. I had to force myself to look at Walter when the attraction became almost unbearable.

"Uhm, Walter's almost done with the custard."

We spent the rest of the night eating custard and talking about anything _other _than our latest case. I don't want to fill you in on all the boring details because…the night was rather eventless. Well, except for when we were practicing the salsa and Olivia accidentally knocked me down. I have a suspicion that Walter tripped her, but I didn't want to get in to that right now. That's a story for another time.

* * *

**Side Note: What if she's staring at **_**you**_**?**

**

* * *

**

Now, I've experienced this so many times I lost count. Sometimes, I sneak that glance towards Olivia and she's looking at me.

The only way to make this seem like a coincidence is to make a funny face and make her laugh. Then, she thinks that you are just joking around. Hopefully.

You know that alarm that goes off in your head when something could be potentially dangerous or risky? Well, if that's the feeling you get when you see this girl looking at you, you're in big trouble. Because I get that. It's not fun.

Love isn't fun. That's why we have to _push it away_. No matter how much our fathers beg us to get married in a purple tuxedo.

This actually came up in conversation when we were having our custard night. Well not me…I hate custard.

* * *

"Peter, why don't you try on my tuxedo for us? It'll be fun!" Walter insisted for the fourth time in five minutes. I had to keep declining…I'd rather not be put in an uncomfortable situation tonight. Astrid and Olivia seemed amused, though.

"Yeah, Peter!" They urged. "Put it on!"

Olivia was smiling her big, adorable smile.

And then I just had to do it.

So, fifteen minutes later, I found myself standing in the middle of the living room wearing a purple tux.

"Oh, Peter! I can't wait until you two get married…" Walter looked like one proud papa. He smiled at Olivia. My face turned red with embarrassment. She just smiled. You see why I don't like my family? The only decent one here was Astrid. And even she was laughing me! Finally the torture was over with. Walter decided my pain was no more fun and told me to go change.

I'm still getting weird looks from Olivia to this day. And the event happened a week ago. Thank you, Walter…

So you see, never trust old men with purple tuxedos.

That concludes our lesson…for now.

Remember, eye contact can kill.


	2. Rule Number Two

I'm back for another round of love soon to be lost. You ready? I certainly hope so.

This time, we're talking about physical contact. No, not _that _kind of physical contact, get your mind out of the gutter. We're talking brushing hands, bumping into each other, and accidental contact._ That_ kind of contact. Kind of makes you feel warm and fuzzy? Yeah, you know what I mean. Well, we're going to try and avoid that, too. Why? Because the less you feel all warm and fuzzy, the better you can convince yourself that you aren't in love.

And that's our goal here. Stick with it.

...

**Rule Number Two: Avoid Any Physical Contact**

...**  
**

This is _almost _as important as rule number one. Only with this rule, it's a little easier and less obvious. Unless, of course, you make it obvious. Then it's all your fault and you need to take the blame.

I have broken this rule a lot. And I mean…a ton. Not including the times when Olivia has been in the tank or in great distress, I have 'accidentally' brushed her hand a few more times than a normal friend.

...

"Hey, Liv!" By now, I've almost given up on Rule Number One. Sometimes, the need to look in her eyes is a little bit overbearing. I hate it. When I walked into the lab that morning, Olivia was bent over some paperwork. Yeah, you'll be hearing a lot of "Olivia was doing work" type comments because that's her life. Her work.

"How are you?" She said without looking up from her work. I sighed.

"I'm fine…" I sat next to her at the metal table. My hand brushed her arm and I pulled back a little. Aren't I so smooth? Unfortunately, Olivia noticed this.

"Peter? You okay?" Olivia asked. Shoot…

"Yeah, fine. Why, are you okay?" Here's a lesson for you: turning the tables is a very useful tactic. The downside is now she feels stupid for thinking I'm bothered. But it's better than her finding out what I'm really trying to do. Fall out of love with her.

"Yeah, I'm fine." She narrowed her eyes in suspicion at me. But I knew she'd let it slide. That's an upside to love…the focus of your emotions is more predictable.

Now you see, this is just a small incident. It gets worse. Much, much worse.

...

"Alright, everyone get in the car. We're going to the supermarket!" Walter announced. He was extremely ecstatic about this trip. All we really needed was milk and eggs. But knowing Walter, we'd probably end up with Oreo's, root beer, and a million other sugary products.

Walter decided we _all _needed to go to the supermarket. This means we were dragging Olivia along whether she wanted to go or not. Astrid was tagging along (that was a given), also. She had her own list of items she needed, so it wasn't too much of a bother. For her. For me on the other hand…

"Walter, do you really need four gallons of milk? Are you planning on making a cake big enough for the entire Boston population?"

"No." That was all he said. I was waiting for a longer explanation, but it never came. Walter was a strange man, I tell you. It was a lazy Saturday afternoon and Walter was taking us to the supermarket. Astrid had arrived to drop off some strange concoctions Walter asked for (I didn't bother to ask; at least they weren't drugs) and because Walter _begged _her to come early.

I let Walter sit in front with Astrid (no, it was _not _because I wanted to sit with Olivia…stop telling me my feelings!). I wanted to think about my life. I can get sentimental, you know. I'm not always a cynical, loveless man. Only most of the time.

We arrived at Olivia's house. I was almost scared to go get her after our phone conversation earlier…

"_Hey, we're taking you on a trip to the supermarket today. Walter wants to treat us to a nice vacation."_

"_Okay. I'm warning you, I have a lot of stuff to buy." _

"_Is that a threat, Dunham?"_

"_Depends on how you feel about pranks."_

I was afraid of what the next week might bring me. Maybe she was just kidding about it. Wishful thinking…

"Peter, go get Agent Dunham! We have to go the supermarket!" Walter urged. He was almost bouncing up and down in his seat. I realized I hadn't moved at all.

"Okay." I shoved my hands in my jean pockets when I got outside. Here goes nothing…

I reached out and knocked on Olivia's door. She swung it open with a grin on her face.

"Hi…" I looked at anywhere but her face. I was still trying to follow rule number one.

"Okay, let's go." She said. I could tell by her tone she thought that something was up. I wasn't going to let her know that her suspicions were right. That would just be against the whole purpose of my rules.

We walked silently to Astrid's car. Walter insisted that his car wasn't suitable for this particular event. I let it go.

Olivia climbed in the back, followed by me. I noticed that rule number two could be broken at any moment on this trip. And just as I thought that, Astrid made a sharp left turn which sent Olivia flying into me, as she had yet to put on her seatbelt.

A gentleman would've handled this well. A gentleman wouldn't say anything. But because I have guidelines for myself (and because I'm an idiot), I did not stay silent.

"AHHH!" I shouted. It wasn't because I didn't like Olivia, because…she was my best friend (my conscious says otherwise), it was because my stomach totally dropped when she fell into me. Because I was breaking a rule. I pushed her lightly off of me. When I glanced at her, she looked hurt.

"What was that about?" Walter asked.

"Nothing…just…me…" I was embarrassed now. Love really gets me down sometimes.

...

The rest of the trip was rather awkward between Olivia and I. Needless to say, she sat in front with Astrid on the trip home. Walter didn't stop bugging me all night.

So thus concludes the story of how I accidentally broke rule number two. So far, I haven't exactly been sticking to the plan. The plan was to avoid feeling anything, but somehow it's not working. It's time to step up the rules a notch.

...

**Side Note: Footsie?**

...**  
**

Now, you're probably thinking _Can I play footsie with the love of my life_? And the answer to that question is…kind of. If she or he starts it, then by all means…go for it. You can always play the 'just being best friends' card if it gets too serious.

The whole point of this is to get me (and you) away from this terrible, ugly emotion. I would recommend keeping the footsies to a minimum because it could get out of hand.

...

It was dinner time at the Bishop residence. We decided that going out to eat was the best option, since Walter was craving mashed potatoes and gravy and we just didn't have those things on us at the moment. So we decided to go to Retro Randy's down the street for some good 'ole mashed potatoes and burgers.

But, being Walter, he had to make it a "group gathering". Olivia was pretty much destined to follow us wherever we go nowadays. Walter had a fit whenever Olivia and Astrid weren't there for our 'outings', if you could call them that. I called up Astrid first who agreed, only so that way she wouldn't hear about it for the next week. Then, it was Olivia's turn.

"Olivia, we're going to Retro Randy's-"

"I'll be there in twenty minutes; I just have to finish the laundry." I almost laughed at how easily she agreed to dinner. But then I remembered the plan. It really did help.

"Okay, see you there!"

Thirty minutes later, Peter was sitting across from Olivia and Astrid in a booth with a bouncy Walter next to him. They had just ordered (Walter insisted that they wait for Olivia and Astrid to arrive before ordering their food), so it would be a while. Walter rambled on about something no one understood. I tuned him out. I tried not to focus on Olivia. It was extremely hard.

"So Astrid, how's it going with Rory?" I asked, putting my hand up to the side of my left eye and leaning in so Olivia would be blocked from my vision.

"Pretty good, tomorrow he's taking me to see a play." Astrid said happily. I smiled at her. Rory was her doctor boyfriend. I've met him once, he was a pretty cool dude.

"Awesome!" Then I felt something brush my ankle. "What was that?"

"Sorry," Olivia said, innocently sipping her Coke. She looked a little down. Maybe my plan was working…but then why do I feel all fuzzy when I look at her? I hate human emotion so much right now. Why couldn't I be like a Vulcan or something? They are masters at pushing away emotion. Stupid human race…

I nudged her foot a little and she smiled…maybe the human race wasn't so stupid after all…no! No, no no…

She kicked me. Not hard, but just enough to hurt for a second.

I kicked her back. A little too hard.

"Ow!" She exclaimed. Then she kicked me back. She had a really good kick….so I stepped on her foot.

This continued at a quickly escalating rate before finally Walter decided to stop it before we hurt each other.

The next morning, I found bruises all around my ankles. I didn't speak to Olivia for a whole ten minutes when I got to work that day. Baby steps…

The lesson here is…footsie can really turn into something potentially harmful. For the sake of mankind…wear shin guards when engaging in footsie games.

...

So…next the rules will definitely get stricter. I'm stepping up my game.

And as a reminder to all…never play foostie with an FBI agent.

xxx

**AN- Sorry about the use of periods as line breaks. Fanfiction isn't being so kind to me at the moment :) Also, I DID change the title and alter the summary. I was in a haste to publish that I didn't think it through the first time. I like the title now better.**


	3. Rule Number Three

Hello again. Thanks for staying with me through our trials and errors. Or just…you know…errors. We're going to dive into the realm of dating. As in…dating other people (yes, it _can _happen). Us hopeless romantics need to try moving on before just giving up completely.

So how do you do this? Well, if you're a good lookin' fellow like me you can just pick up a girl at the coffee shop. And that brings us to…

….

**Rule Number Three: Date Other People**

….

This is a little harder than one might expect. I mean, how can I date someone else when all I'm doing is comparing them to Olivia? It's not fair to anyone. But I have this idea that if I _do _star dating other women, I'll realize that Olivia just isn't the woman for me. _It'll never woooork! _My conscious sang…it was pretty annoying, to be honest.

But I'm ignoring my conscious. Just the other day, I got a girl's number.

….

It was at a coffee shop where I met Remy. Yes, her name is Remy. It's exotic and fun (_but it's no Olivia…_I really need to put a muzzle on my brain). I was mulling over my sad, sad life when in she walked…red haired and beautiful. She looked at me, and approached me. Because I'm a wuss, and that's what we do. We like to wait around for girls to get us.

"You look lonely." She said with a seductive tone. It actually took me a few moments to realize she was hitting on me.

"I guess you could say that."

"Well, give me a call if you need some company." She slipped me a piece of paper with her number on it.

So, I called her up later and guess what? I had a date the next night.

Walter was less than happy about this.

"You have a date? With Olivia?" He was happy at first. Very, very happy.

"No, it's with this chick named Remy. She gave me her number at the coffee shop." Then his face fell completely.

"Oh." He said and went back to eating his home-made sushi.

"What? Are you mad about that?"

"I was just hoping that you were going out with Olivia instead."

"Walter…" I hoped that he wasn't going to go on and on about this. I would never hear the end of it, I swear.

"Have fun on your date." Was he _seriously _angry that I was going on a date with someone other than Olivia? I think he even glared at me a bit.

"I will." I flew out the door. After all, it would be nice to pick up Remy on time. Plus, I would probably take a while to find the place.

Here goes nothing…

…

Now you may be thinking that the date went absolutely awful and then I ran straight into Olivia's arms right afterwards.

That is _not _what happened.

The date went absolutely awful and then I ran straight into an old friend from my MIT days at the bar I went to after I dropped off Remy.

An old _girl _friend. Not girlfriend. Just a womanly friend, ya know? But we got to talking and pretty soon enough I got myself another date. How awesome is that? Well, I have all day tomorrow to prepare myself. Seeing as we don't have a case at the moment, I'll probably just be doing random deeds for Walter.

…

"…so I took her home, but then I ran into Allison, this old friend of mine from MIT! We're going out tonight."

"That's great, Peter." Olivia smiled (a very, very small smile) at me. I'm an idiot. Why'd I have to go and tell her about my date? Really?

But her downcast face did _not _faze me because I am _not _in love with her. And Allison is nice. I won't fall in love with her, but she's a good distraction from…well…falling in love.

…

That night, I was all ready to go out. But one last thing…I had to call Liv.

"Liv, I'm nervous." I know what you're thinking. Why, oh why, Peter Bishop, are you calling the girl you're trying to fall out of love with before a date? Well, that's a simple answer. You just have to see our conversation.

"Why?"

"What if she doesn't like me? Even worse, what if she doesn't like you?" I started pacing in the kitchen.

"Peter. Chances are, we'll never meet so it won't matter. Just go out and have fun."

"You sure?"

"Positive."

"So…what are you doing right tonight?"

"Why?"

"Trying to clear my mind." I lied. Really, I just wanted to know she could be my safety net if all went awry tonight. And chances were, everything would.

"Okay…" She didn't sound like she believed me. "Well, I'm going over some files and making dinner. That's pretty much it."

"Good." I sighed in relief.

"Why is that good?"

I froze. Oh no…I racked my brain for excuses I could use. "Oh, look at the time gotta go, see you, Liv!" I hung up the phone before she could say anything.

And then my night began.

…

**Side Note: What if she doesn't like you?**

…

If the love of your life doesn't like you…

You're screwed.

That or…it's good because then you'll never have to worry about whether she likes you. Because you already know she doesn't.

….

Back to my lovely date night. The second one in a row, might I remind you. That's right; I'm a player.

I arrived at Waker's Medallion (a bar and grill where Allison told me to meet her at 7:30) at exactly 7:28. Perfect timing, might I say.

It took me exactly one hour and thirty two minutes before I realized that Allison stood me up. By then, I had already eaten (I was starving) and paid the bill. So at nine 'o clock, I left Waker's Medallion. I'll give you three guesses where I went next.

Boy, Olivia sure was surprised to see me at her doorstep. She was dressed in sweat pants and a black t-shirt. She's awesome.

"Peter, why are you here?"

"I got stood up…" It was then that I realized that I had no business being here. Why do I keep breaking EVERY rule I make? What was Olivia going to do that could possibly make tonight better?

"Want some coffee? I was just watching some old science fiction movies on cable. Nothing else was on." She opened the door wider so I could come in.

And that's why Olivia Dunham is my safety net, folks.

…

The rest of the night was very laid back. Olivia, being Olivia, didn't bring up my failed date night the whole time. When I finally went home around one (we got into some pretty intense conversations about Superman's uniform and which of Walter's gummy worms would do the worm dance first), I was ten times happier than I was at nine.

You see, my plan isn't working. Every time I fall out of love just a little bit, something happens where I just fall in love even more than before.

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?

...

** Okay this one is shorter because I ran out of things to say! If you have any ideas on what the next few rules should be, feel free to tell me your ideas :D  
**


	4. Rule Number Four

**It gets a little more dramatic here, so sorry for any lack of humor in this chapter!**

**...  
**

Let's get right to the point. I'm failing miserably. Very, very miserably. But now, I really know how to get the ball rolling. Let me introduce you to rule number four.

…

**Rule Number Four: Don't Speak Her Name**

…

This one is just so obvious…why didn't I think of it before? If I never speak the name 'Olivia' then my brain might finally process that I _do not _love her. But you _can _THINK her name. Because it's almost impossible to stop yourself. Oh, come on, no need in hiding it any longer. I've given up on denial long, long ago. Now I'm in refusal.

…  
My endeavor began on a bright and early Monday morning.

"Hello, O-" _Don't say it, Peter…I'm telling you…don't say it._

"Hello, P…" She joked back. That Olivia, I tell you. She's a funny one.

"What's up?" I started to walk towards her, but remembered rule two and backed away a foot or two.

"Nothing, you?"

"I want to date people, you know." I blurted out. _That _was way too out of character. At this point, I was standing a good 10 feet away from her, looking at the floor, biting back saying her name, and declaring my need for dating. That, my friends, is how you incorporate all of our current rules together. Of course…this only lasted ten seconds. But that's a record.

"That's…good for you, Peter." She glanced up from her paper work with a worried look on her face. "What is wrong with you?" She asked, eyebrows furrowing in a cute…I mean, an ugly and vicious way. I sensed a bit (a lot) of anger in her tone.

"Must be lack of sleep. Walter was up all night reciting the prime numbers in Pi." I walked past Olivia and threw my empty coffee cup in the trash can.

"Ah." She went back to work, ignoring me. My little workaholic. I mean…geez, she's such a workaholic…she's not mine. I don't own people. God, I need to get out more. Actually, I think I've been out enough this week. I got stood up and I had a date where the girl did nothing but talk about herself. What a life.

"So…" I felt awkward. I thought I was making this situation more awkward than necessary, but I could see Olivia felt awkward too. We should make a club.

"Peter, you don't have to stand around and watch me do paperwork. As a matter of fact, you can go help Walter organize the filing cabinets." Ooh, someone's a bit snippy today.

"Okay, sorry, Li-ady." Whew, I almost lost control there for a moment. Little did I know, women did not like being called 'lady'. I wouldn't either, but then again, I _am _a dude.

"Lady? Why are you calling me _lady_?" Uh-oh…

"Because you're a lady?" I knew I was in deep, deep trouble.

"As a matter of fact, you haven't called me by my name at all so far. Usually you say my name at least four times in the span of a two-minute conversation." Shoot, she caught on to my habit. The one I'm trying to kick. And she's not helping too much.

"Uhm, that's because I forgot…your name." By the way, never ever EVER tell a girl that you forgot her name. It's not a pretty sight to see. It's pretty scary. From this moment forward, I swore never to make up such a stupid excuse again.

"What?" A glare was sent my way. Oh no, oh God…

"Nothing." I said too quickly.

"Whatever is going on with you Peter, it needs to stop. I'm getting kind of sick of it. You avoid me, you hardly look me in the eye anymore, you're getting the sudden urge to have a social life, and now you won't even speak my name! If you want to quit, just tell me and we can deal with it instead of playing games." She thinks I want to _quit_? Oh, little did she know that it's the exact opposite.

"You think I want to _quit_?" I almost laughed.

"You think this is funny?" I suck at everything.

"No." I cleared my throat as my smile dropped. "Uhm…'course not."

"Well, when you stop acting like a selfish jerk, feel free to give me a call." With that, Olivia stood up and carried her things to her office. I stood there for a moment before collecting my thoughts and carrying myself over to where Walter was organizing files.

"Son, you really don't know how to treat a lady."

…

**Side Note: Winning Back Women**

...

You want to know the truth? I really don't know how to win back a woman's heart. Of course, bimbo's are easy. That's why they're bimbos. But women like Olivia are a whole other story. If you're in love with a girl like Olivia Dunham and you make her mad, good luck.

And that's where our journey takes us next. Because even though I didn't want to fall in love with Olivia Dunham, if she wasn't in my life I wouldn't know what to do. You see, I _can _be sentimental.

…

At this point, I was ready to give in to the sharp incisors of love. I was ready to throw myself into the lava pit if it meant this insanity would come to an end.

And I almost did. I almost threw my arms around her and sobbed for her to forgive me. But that would not be very manly of me. So I did the right thing and rationalized the situation.

If I told Olivia I loved her, this weight would be lifted off my shoulder. But what if she rejected me?

Well, my rational side told me that I'd still be alive. I'd still be able to see her everyday; she'd still be in my life. It would just be a little more awkward than normal.

I was ready to give in and just tell her all about my guide and everything, really. But instead, I just decided to go in and apologize. It would be better in the long run. Plus, how can you fall out of love when you admit to _being_ in love? That's no good.

I waltzed into Olivia's office the next day. Let me tell you, the time between her outburst and this moment was the most excruciating thing to live through. She didn't talk to me (except to yell at me) and it was very uncharacteristic of her. What had gotten into her? I made the mistake of actually asking her that and she claimed that I put her in a bad mood. Well…my bad.

"Olivia? I just wanted to apologize for my behavior yesterday." I stood on the threshold and crossed my arms over my chest. She looked up from her desk.

"The fact that you still aren't looking me in the eye doesn't prove anything." Olivia looked back at her work. This annoyed me for some reason.

"Can you stop working for once and just talk with me?" I snapped. That came out way wrong.

"I would if I knew it was by your choice." _But it _was _my choice!_

"It _was _my choice. Just listen. I'm sorry that I've pissed you off in any way."

"I'd really like an explanation." She finally stopped her paperwork and looked at me. I couldn't look her in the eyes. For some reason, I just _couldn't. _The ONE time I needed to look Olivia in the eyes…I have some serious issues.

"I…can't tell you." I really couldn't. I couldn't tell her anything. It would ruin _everything. _Why, oh WHY?

"Then close your door on the way out."

I did as she said, only because I really didn't feel like dying today.

…

That's the last time I ever saw her…PSYCH! I saw her the next day of course. It was awkward and the only thing stopping us from a shouting match was Walter. Astrid sensed that there was more tension than usual and steered clear.

So that was the night I made another stupid mistake.

I called up Rachel Dunham.

...

**Alright before you shoot me for writing a shorty chapter, let me promise at least a 3,000 word chapter tomorrow. Okay? I promise :D **


	5. Rule Number Five

**Hey! So...you're probably thinking that I'm a terrible person. Which I am. I'm terrible at consistent updates. And I promised you 3,000 words...I failed...:( BUT! Here is chapter 5! Please yell and send me hate mail. I need some tough love...**

**NOTE: Yes, this chapter is dramatic. Apparently, I can't keep my genre straight either!  
**

...

Remember last time—when I said I called Rachel? Yeah…that was a great idea. For the guide, it's a great plan for falling out of love. But it's not so great when your best friend refuses to talk to you for the next century…

…

**Rule Number Five: Call Her Sister**

…

Never, ever, _ever_ do this unless the sister of your love is not a flirt and if you aren't suspected of being in a relationship with said sister. Otherwise, unless you're me, this is a pretty fine idea for jealousy. But if you're me…well, good luck talking to your best friend again.

I decided to call at 11:30 PM. I thought Liv might be asleep or absorbed in her work. I was wrong.

"Hello?" She answered. _My luck is just dropping every second…_

"Can I talk to Rachel?" I said in a hurry, hoping she wouldn't recognize my voice (I did lower it a few octaves).

"Sure, _Peter_." She spat. Oh, no, what have I done? I probably just ruined the best thing that's ever happened to me. I have a pretty good habit of doing that, huh? I'm such an idiot…why did I choose RACHEL of all people? I could've talked to Astrid or even _Walter _would be better than this…I'm such an idiot, why on earth—

"Hello?"

"Rachel, I need some advice. You know, friend to friend." Yes, I'm friends with my best friend's sister. Is that such a crime? _Maybe when you're IN LOVE with your best friend…_

"Hold on." I heard her close a door (probably so Liv wouldn't hear). "What do you want help with, Peter?"

"Okay, I have this…_friend_. He's kind of in love with his work partner, but he doesn't want to be, because he doesn't really like the feeling."

That sounds _so _much better in my head. "Anyways, he sets these guidelines so that he doesn't spiral into insanity with how much he loves this girl. These…rules…have caused this girl to totally hate him, but he's losing his best friend. What does he do?" I held my breath. _Please say something helpful Rachel…_

"Well, you can start by never calling her house for her sister again…"

I guess I was a little too obvious, huh? I'm such a dunce. I don't think I'll ever learn.

"But I'd suggest you stop acting like an idiot. I really thought you were better than that."

"Your sister already suggested that." I sighed. I just can't do _anything _right!

"Liv _is_ known to be rather smart." She smirked.

I could feel it. I knew Liv was smart. She was very, _very _smart.

"Don't ask for my help again. It's probably the _stupidest _thing you could've done. I bet Liv isn't so happy about this. Get your act together and act like a man. Liv might kill you if you don't. And she has a gun."

"Thanks, Rachel." I rolled my eyes. "Goodbye."

I hung up the phone and groaned. I just ruined everything. _Everything! _Normally, this would be good…this means I don't have to worry about being in love.

This is where I learned my mistake.

I wasn't falling _out of love; _I was only pushing it away! Man, I'm the world's biggest idiot. That stupid butterfly feeling was still there when I thought of Liv. Just when I thought my plan was working, too…

There was no plan. That plan failed before it began. I felt like yelling at the world about all of my secrets and _just everything. _I'm trapped in my own brain and it's KILLING ME!

I realized if I was going to at least be friends with Liv, I would have to tell her _everything. _That was the only way she would ever even come close to forgiving me. But how on EARTH would I ever find the courage to do something like that?

I decided it was time to turn to my last resort. That's right…

Walter.

…

Before I go on, let me just say that at this point that I was _desperate_. I didn't think anyone could hurt me, so what had I to lose? So, of course, I went to my father. The only other man I knew capable of maybe giving me advice past midnight.

This actually proved to be a better idea than I had ever imagined. Walter probably changed my life that night.

First, I told him about how I fell in love with Olivia (it just poured out, I swear), the 'guide', the phone call to Rachel…everything, in short.

_SMACK!_ "Son, you have to go in there and fight for her! You think that if you keep acting like a—a—_baboon—_she'll even want to look at you again? You are wrong, my boy. I can't believe I raised you. I thought you were better with women. I assumed wrong. You two are going to get married and have children and live happily ever after!"

My first thought after this outburst was _Did he just head-smack me? _Then, his words actually sank in. Was Walter really that upset about this whole Olivia thing? Was I really that atrocious? I wonder what Astrid thought about the situation.

But Walter was my awakening. Walter Bishop _actually _is good at giving relationship advice. Who would've guessed? Walter Bishop made me realize how stupid everything I've been doing for the past few weeks has been. Well, kind of. I mean, I _am _a pretty smart person if I do say so myself.

"Alright, I'll be back, Walter." I told him and left. But as I walked out the door, I heard him mutter, "_That boy needs to learn some manners._"

…

I arrived at Olivia's door at 1:30 in the morning. Why so late, you ask? Well, I spent forty-five minutes psyching myself up to just go to her door. So _finally _I got the courage to knock on her apartment door. When she swung open the door, I was almost scared out of my skin.

She looked absolutely furious. I was afraid she might smack me at any moment. But it was worse; she just stared me down for a long time before finally I found the courage to speak.

"I have a lot to tell you." I said simply. What better than to say the truth? Olivia nodded along.

"Yeah, you sure do." She opened the door. No 'come on in, Peter'? I guess it was well deserved, huh?

"Okay, first off, let me just say that I'm sorry for calling your apartment for Rachel. That was probably the stupidest thing I've ever done in a while. And I'm sorry."

"You got that right."

"Alright, for the second part, you might want to sit down."

She hesitantly let me in and I began pacing in front of her couch. She sat down on her couch; impatiently awaiting my explanation. And so I began. "You have to promise to just let me talk without interruption."

She nodded. I hoped Olivia stayed true to this. Because things were about to get real tricky…

"So it all started when I fell in love with you." _THERE! It's out! _I snuck a glance at her face. It was in a scowl before. Her jaw was half open; eyes wide. I could see that she was trying as hard as she could to keep a straight face.

I looked away as fast I had looked over in the first place. I don't think she noticed (thank God).

Throughout my whole speech, I paced in front of the couch and played with my hands. "I've had enough failures with relationships in my life that I didn't need anymore. I decided to fall _out _of love with you. So in order to do so, I made these…rules. Very simple, but difficult to follow. You know: no eye contact, no physical contact, yada yada yada. I didn't realize until recently that I wasn't falling out of love; I was being an idiot. You can't just _fall out of love_. It's not a choice. It just _happens." _

"What I was really doing was pushing away _you. _You as in, my only real friend in this godforsaken world. And I was scared. I was scared that if I fell in love with you, everything would become unstable. It would be…different. I couldn't stand different. I want to apologize for my selfish actions and my idiotic thinking."

I stopped pacing all at once and looked at Olivia. She was looking at her hands, settled in her lap, and expressionless. I took this as my cue to leave.

And that's what I did.

…

You want to know the biggest mistake you can make when you fall in love and don't want to?

It's telling her that you're in love with her. Because when I went home that night, I felt absolutely _terrible_. Rejection is the worst. Of course, I realized that this rejection was only assumed. I mean, she didn't even say anything. What was I supposed to think?

So here I was, at 2:15 in the morning, just sitting on my couch, and moping. Mopey Moperson…that's what they call me.

The phone rang. I almost jumped off the couch in excitement for a distraction. I wondered what my life had come to.

"Hello?" I tried to sound cool. I'm not too desperate…yet.

"I'll be there in fifteen." Olivia spoke. Bet you saw that coming, didn't you? Yeah, I did too. So I sat on my couch for fifteen minutes and waited.

Sixteen minutes later, Olivia knocked on my door. I knew it was her only because no one else would bother coming to my house at this time. Or at all…

"Hey." I said. Olivia stood there, arms crossed defensively. I motioned for her to come in. We stood at the foot of the stairs for a moment.

"So you're in love with me." Olivia stated. I nodded.

"It seems that is the case."

"Why?"

"I don't know. Maybe it's just…I don't know. I don't want to get all mushy and tell you all the things I love about you. That wouldn't be me. Or us. That would be a cheesy romance novel." Olivia smiled slightly. I crossed my arms and looked at her eyes. They shone with something I couldn't place.

"You're right. And I came over to say that I'm sorry for getting so mad at you. I didn't realize the stress you were under."

"I was stupid to push you away, Olivia, I know. Thanks for saying you're sorry, but I really don't want to deal with rejection on top of everything else tonight. So if that's what you came here to do, please leave."

"Peter, you think I'm _that _insensitive?"

I thought about this for a moment. She was right. She wouldn't just leave. And it was idiotic of me to think so.

"No. Why _did _you come here then?"

"I came here to say…" She took a deep breath and sighed heavily. "…that maybe those feelings that you have for me could possibly be acted on."

"Possibly?" I smiled a little at this. It was so like Olivia to admit her feelings so vaguely.

"Maybe."

"How would we go about acting on these feelings?"

"Well, maybe going out for dinner. Or lunch."

"No. That's too cliché…we need something more…weird."

"Weird?" She scrunched up her nose adorably (what other way can she do it?).

"We're always a little weird."

"You got that right." We stood there awkwardly. How is one supposed to act when they're trying to think up non-romantic ideas for a first date?

"Paintballing." I finally said. It was non-romantic and very us. I thought it was perfect. And so did Olivia.

"That sounds perfect." She smiled. I stepped forward and tentatively leaned forward, asking with my eyes if it was alright. She nodded. I happily pulled her into a partially intimate hug.

Because kissing is so cliché at this moment.

We aren't walks in the park or Italian dinners or kissing when appropriate.

We're paintballing and practicing at the shooting range and kissing when it's least appropriate (or when _we _want to).

And I love that. No matter how hypocritical it is to sound romantic.

...

**And this is where you yell at me for being overly cheesy xD Thank you so much to Erickson for betaing this mess of a chapter! You're my hero! Oh, and one of these days we'll get our hands on Alt!Liv for sure!  
**


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